Years ago, the researcher, B.F. Skinner, constructed a box in which he put a laboratory rat. He used this “Skinner Box” to study and test his theories on learning. In his model, called operant conditioning, learning was achieved merely through manipulation of the subject’s environment. No other communication or internal thought processes were necessary. Inside the box was a lever which, when depressed, would administer a food pellet to the animal. This was the reward for certain desired behaviors. Over time, using just these food pellets and a larger...

I remember a couple coming to my office many years ago for their first visit.  After they sat down, I asked them what result they wanted to produce from talking with me.  Before I could finish my sentence, the wife blurted out angrily, “I can tell you what’s wrong with this relationship right now—it’s him!”  She told me that I needed to get him to understand that he had to change his behavior in several key areas about which she was ready to elaborate.  I guess she assumed that I would add weight to her argument by agreeing with her.  She also...

Sometimes when I look at people walking down the street (I love people watching), I can almost see the weight of the world on their faces.  It’s as if the stress of everyday life, the pressure to conform, the need to restrain emotions in public is written on their face. It’s written on mine too, I imagine. I often see a heavy seriousness on the faces of people lost in thought. Then, I observe something amazing.  They smile.  All of a sudden they look so appealing. Have you ever noticed how everyone’s looks improve when they smile? There is...

There is something so powerful about very young babies. I love to watch how people react to them. On one level babies are so utterly dependent on others for their survival. They can’t talk to make their needs known and they can’t walk or manipulate objects to bring about their desires. Yet, they are, for the most part, so “taken care of” by the rest of us. Ever notice how people just can’t stop smiling in the baby’s presence. They kiss the baby again and again on its little bald head with this spontaneous outpouring of love, protection, and nurturance....

Sometimes our natural reaction to our partner’s upset feelings turns out to be the MOST UNHELPFUL thing we could say and brings about exactly the reaction we least expect or want.  How often have you seen your mate over-react to a condition or situation that seems less than catastrophic?  Ever try, even in a loving tone, to point that out to them?  Did it help matters?  Probably about as much as pouring gasoline on a fire to put it out. It is for this reason that I regularly coach couples to take “I think you are making a big deal out of nothing!”...

In working with couples for many years and in examining the early dynamics of my own marriage, I was often amazed at our ability to repeat the same uncomfortable scenarios with each other. Often in the middle of a conversation where each one of us was holding firm to some position and the battle lines were beginning to being drawn, I would have the distinct feeling that I had been here before. The content of the disagreement would be different but the dynamics were exactly the same. Each of us was using our favorite argument with evidence and witnesses (“I’m...