Cashing in on the Golden Rule

When I was about 10 and my brother was 8, we were fascinated by my Dad’s wooden shoe shine kit.  We liked everything about it, the paste, the brushes, the saddle soap, the special polishing rags, the compartments and the place on top where a person could rest their shoe as it was being worked on.  One Saturday, after dinner, we asked my dad if we could polish his shoes before he and my mom went out.  He said, Okay, so we set about doing it the way we had seen him do it many times before.  He was very impressed and gave each of us a quarter (a small fortune back then).  We were totally surprised and thrilled.

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After they went out, we got to thinking, Dad has a ton of shoes in his closet. Why don’t we polish all of them before he comes home? We set about our task in earnest and didn’t quit until every pair in his closet was shined including some leather slippers.  As we worked, we couldn’t help but calculate in advance how much money we would be getting when he returned.  I had already spent most of the money in my head by the time we finished.

We lined them up outside of his closet and waited in our rooms, wide awake, to hear his surprise and receive his appreciation.  He was surprised but not particularly overjoyed to see some of his oldest, worn out shoes and slippers shined so carefully.  We didn’t get the reaction we were expecting nor did we receive the big payoff.  I think he gave us another 50 cents each for all our labor.

To say we were disappointed would be an understatement. We were outraged and indignant.  As a true child of entitlement, I remember saying, “Dad, you owe each of us another $1.25!”  He said, “Boys, I never asked you shine all those shoes and I probably won’t wear most of them again. I’m sorry, but I’m not paying you any more money.”  It took a while before I got over my disappointment but over time, I realized something.

I had, unfortunately, misunderstood the Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and was trying to cash in on it (literally).  I was operating from what I’ve called, Goldstein’s Golden Corollary. It reveals a hidden assumption which I had never examined.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…and when it’s their turn to do unto you, they will do unto you the way you did unto them. Right? Wrong. Goldstein’s Corollary sets you up to get your feelings hurt.

I’ve come to see that you can never successfully give in order to get. That’s what we were doing when we decided to shine all those shoes.  We were giving something (shoe shines) in order to get something (praise and money).  Being kind or generous to someone doesn’t ensure that they will respond in like manner when the occasion arises.  The only way it works is when you realize that, as St. Francis said, it is in the giving that we receive. It is still worthwhile to do nice things for others because it feels good to be kind and generous.  If you tune in to how you feel, you will find that taking this action is its own reward.

It’s also what allows you to follow this other time-honored advice; When someone does something nice for you, remember it. When you do something nice for someone, forget it. This will keep you from expecting to cash in on the Golden Rule and save you from a lot of heartache.

I wonder sometimes how our actions would change if we had no expectations of those to whom we were kind.  Here’s the good news.  When you don’t expect or feel entitled to reciprocation, you’re never disappointed.  If reciprocation does happen, you get to be pleasantly surprised.  You feel good however it turns out.

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