AUDIO VERSION

You’ve probably heard resentment defined as a poison pill you take hoping that the other person will die. This is quite true.  I see now that I suffered quite a bit by hanging on to my resentments but at the time, I was so incredibly self-righteous, I didn’t notice.  You see, I knew that I was right.  I had witnesses and evidence to back up my position that I had been raised wrong.  Most of my memories were painful ones of feeling “not good enough,” not free to make my own choices and of being oppressed by their expectations.  When I looked back, I could easily recall angry confrontations between my parents and myself. I couldn’t remember a lot of happy times.  This always surprised my parents since they had no such difficulty.

In the course of growing up (I was a very late bloomer)  and working on myself with the help of some excellent coaches, teachers and therapists, I was able to reinterpret much of my parents’ behavior. Over time, I forgave them and came to view their actions from a more compassionate perspective. Having children of my own helped the process along considerably.

Only after I forgave them did I get an amazing shock.  Huge portions of my memory opened up to me to reveal a surprisingly happy childhood and adolescence.  How could this be? These memories, I now realize, had been blocked or hidden from me while I was holding on to my story about how I had been unfairly treated and pressured to conform.  It was like opening a forgotten box of Kodachromes and discovering pictures of me as a happy child–with these same parents no less!  It was mind blowing.  I had no idea things were so good back then.

Most people will agree that forgiveness is important to a good relationship. They know that forgiveness is healthier than holding on to resentments but they don’t really know how to get there from where they are.

This is probably the most valuable benefit people derive from practicing Powerful Partnerships^tm.—they forgive each other and they forgive themselves. As it turns out, there is a storehouse of love and happiness that opens up to you when resentments are finally forgiven.

I think the old adage is true—it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Forgiveness is the key to it all.  If you could forgive the past, what do think that might do for you? I hope you’ll treat yourself to a new set of Kodachromes soon.

By the way, if you missed my free teleseminar last week, you can hear the recording by clicking here –> FREE TELESEMINAR (Recorded)

I can show you how to forgive the past in such a way that it doesn’t come back to haunt you, predict your future or deprive you of your own pleasant memories.  It takes a little practice but the payoff is huge.

Thanks,

-Jim

The next Powerful Partnerships^tm 8-Week Teleseminar

Begins on Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 8 PM ET/ 5 PM PT.

$100 Discount Still Available for Early Registration

or CLICK HERE for more information

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The pterodactyl, flying dinosaur

I saw a documentary in an IMAX theatre about an ambitious project that the Smithsonian Institute once undertook.  They wanted to create a life-sized flying dinosaur, a replica of the famous pterodactyl.  The hardest part for them was to figure out how this ancient bird was able to change direction in flight.  They toyed with the idea of using the bird’s tail as a rudder. They also tried lowering the bird’s shoulder and rolling the wings to the right or left but nothing they tried ever worked.  Finally, they found the answer.  The pterodactyl changed direction just by turning its head. All the other body parts followed this simple action.  The folks at the Smithsonian eventually did get their featherless pterodactyl to fly and it looked real enough to fool a lot of people.

AUDIO VERSION

I wasn’t surprised by their head turning discovery.  It is one of the principles that they taught us in motorcycle school—where you look is where you go. When you want to make a turn on a cycle you just move your eyes and your head in that direction.  It works extremely well.  After some training, I was amazed that I could do a u-turn in a narrow alcove with a 750 lb. motorcycle (without having to put a foot down) simply by twisting my head all the way around and staring in the direction I wanted to end up.  The bike came right along.

In class, they showed us that many accidents result from not understanding this basic principle.  For instance, if you are riding a motorcycle and all of a sudden you see a large branch in your path, if you look at the branch, you will surely run over it.  This happens to cyclists every day.  They taught us to avoid such disasters by repeated yelling this other famous expression to us as we circled by, Look where you want to go—not where you want to crash! Good advice.

What does this have to do with relationships? Everything. One of the biggest difficulties couples face is their insistence on focusing on the problems that are right in front of them.  They focus on them and then they crash into them and then they wonder what happened.  What should they do instead? Deny their problems? No.  They need to acknowledge what is before them and quickly make the adjustment that good motorcyclists make—start looking toward where they want to go.

There is something compelling and attractive about a vision.  If you focus on and speak about how you want the relationship to be and how you want it to feel instead of bemoaning where it is and where it has been, you will move into that vision, leaving your problems at the side of the road.  You’ll start feeling better in general and more hopeful about your chances for success in your relationship.  Best of all, you will probably enroll your partner in going there with you. The next time you don’t like what is dead ahead of you in your relationship, shift your focus to how you’d like things to be.  Soon you’ll be taking your relationship in the right direction.  Where you look is where you go.

FREE TELESEMINAR THIS THURSDAY

If you’ve ever wondered what my Powerful Partnerships teleseminars are like, this week I’m offering you an opportunity to find out for yourself.  This Thursday, September 2, 2010 at 5 PM PDT / 8 PM EDT, you can attend a FREE  half hour mini-teleseminar on Powerful Partnerships^tm by clicking  below.  I promise you’ll take something away from this session that you will be able to use in all your relationships. I’m offering another free bonus to those who call in as well.  I hope you’ll check it out.

Click Here to Register for the Free Teleseminar

Thanks,

-Jim

Jim's 2002 BMW R1150RT

And,  If you haven’t heard my new song, Nourish Your Mind, yet, CLICK HERE.

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AUDIO VERSION

It was the first time I had really looked critically at this boat of mine and I realized that she needed a lot of work before I could put her on the market.  I hauled her out of the water and took on the task of restoration as a quick summer project that I didn’t expect would take too long.

Unfortunately, every time I restored one part of the boat I became acutely aware of the parts that didn’t look as good.  At one point, I decided to remove all of the mahogany combing and floorboards so that I could sand and varnish them.  Once they were removed,  I realized I needed to replace the mast step (a huge piece of hardwood that supports the weight of the 28’ mast).  This was a big messy job. During some heavy, noisy sanding, wearing a dust mask and sweating in the hot sun, I would think, “What was I thinking taking this on?  I’ll be here for months!”

In the end, however, the boat really sparkled.  We purchased her used and she had never looked this good in all the years we had owned her. It was ironic that someone else, not me, would be the beneficiary of my hard labor.  I couldn’t stop admiring my handiwork and thinking of the price I would now be able to get for her.

Then a funny thing happened.  I fell in love again.  I couldn’t bear to part with this boat into which I had put so much time and care. I took her off the market after 24 hours and sailed her with a greater sense of appreciation and love for the next four years.

That’s the way it is with boats. If you put in the work required to maintain them, you end up with a thing of beauty that you fall in love with again and again.  If you neglect even the finest yacht, it eventually looks like hell.

That’s the way it is with relationships, too. I never thought I could love my wife more now than I did 27 years ago but I do. I believe that my increased appreciation for her is a result of the work we put into maintaining our partnership and keeping it great over the years.

You may feel that you’ve worked very hard on your relationship but despite your best efforts you aren’t at a place that is fulfilling with your partner. To you, I say, “Don’t give up. Until now, you may not have had the best tools.”

If you want to fall in love again and create a relationship that will continue to reward you as long as you live, treat yourself to the next Powerful Partnerships^tm 8-week teleseminar.  The efforts you put into practicing what you learn will really pay off.  I guarantee it.

The next teleseminar starts on September 16^th and there is a substantial discount for early registration.   CLICK HERE to find out more.

Thanks,

-Jim

Jim fishing from the bow of his Rhodes 19 in 1975. Long sideburns were required back then.

P.S. If you haven’t heard my new song, Nourish Your Mind, yet, CLICK HERE.

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AUDIO VERSION

Until that time, he had never thought about his future at all.  The way things were going at home, he would have been relegated to being the delivery boy for his family’s grocery store, working for his five older brothers, some of whom were 20 years his senior.  He already had to make deliveries on the weekends and during the summer for them and the idea of doing this full time depressed him.

From that short encouraging conversation, my dad became very motivated to succeed in school. He studied hard, got into the University of Virginia and never came home again.  He got into medical school a year early by going to summer school each year instead of returning home to work in the store. This displeased his brothers because they wanted him to drive the delivery truck but he didn’t care. He knew what he wanted to achieve and he had the confidence to go for it.  He still credits this teacher for showing him what was possible.

I’m not sure why this is so but it is often easier to see more in people than they see in themselves.  We can be more compassionate, more forgiving, more accepting of another person’s shortcomings than we can of our own.  It’s for this reason that I have such respect for certain teachers in my life.  It is almost like there is gold inside of a person that doesn’t become gold until it is recognized as such. That’s what good teachers do.  They can introduce you to your highest self.

From a lifetime of criticism by the adults and peers in our lives, it is only natural that we come to doubt our own abilities.  One of the greatest gifts you can give another person, especially someone who looks up to you is to say, “You can do this. You have talent. You have a gift. I see something great in you.”  By holding the vision of what is possible out to them we give them an opportunity to manifest what we saw in them. It doesn’t happen instantly, but our belief in them may give them the courage and the confidence to work towards achieving that vision.

Do you remember a teacher who took a particular interest in your development and success, who saw something in you and made a difference in your life?  I’d love to hear about how this person affected you.  They’d probably like to hear from you as well.

I welcome your comments on this or any other blog post.

Thanks,

-Jim

P.S. If you haven’t heard my new song, Nourish Your Mind, yet, CLICK HERE.

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AUDIO VERSION

He owns and operates a limousine and is on the road much more than most people.  He has always been an amazing driver.  He knows every shortcut in the city and every way to minimize traffic jams. Despite all the miles he puts on his limo, he has successfully avoided accidents by his alertness and his habit of observing what is happening several car lengths ahead of him.  Unfortunately, not everybody drives as well as he does and this frustrates him sometimes.

Late the other evening, he had just finished a job and was happy to be heading home.  It was 1 AM and he was traveling on Rock Creek Parkway in downtown Washington, DC.  Unfortunately, he got stuck behind a cab doing 25 mph on the two lane road.  Ordinarily this would have elicited a negative reaction from him e.g., “Oh, Great!  Why did I have to get stuck behind this guy when I’m trying to get home?”

But this time, rather than look for an opportunity to scoot around him and speed up, he checked his reaction and repeated his new mantra to himself, “Wait, everything’s working out for me.”  He decided to just slow down, not be in such a hurry and follow the cab from a greater distance.  Just saying this to himself calmed him down and reduced his stress.  A minute later, as they went under an overpass, he saw several policemen standing on the shoulder pointing radar guns at passing cars and handing out speeding tickets. Seeing that he had just dodged a bullet, he repeated the mantra to himself with a big smile, “Yes, everything is working out for me.”  The incident reinforced his belief in the validity of his statement.  He had several other stories to tell me with a similar theme.

There is great power in training ourselves to see the world in a certain way.  It can not only change our perceptions of our situation but can change how we feel during the day.  I’ve noticed then when I say, “Everything is working out for me” (I’ve tried this out since he told me about it), I feel hopeful, safe, lucky and loved.  These feelings alone make the mantra worth repeating.  I, too, start gathering evidence to support this theory. As I come to believe this statement, it allows me to change not only my attitude but my behavior. Like my brother, I can choose peace over frustration, anxiety and stress.

Do you have a mantra of your own that helps you put the world into a better perspective?  I’d love to hear about it.

Talk to you soon,

-Jim

P.S.  If you haven’t heard my new song, Nourish Your Mind, yet, CLICK HERE.

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AUDIO VERSION PLUS NEW ORIGINAL SONG BY JIM

I just finished a wonderful book by the late Eknath Easwaran called, Strength in the Storm: Creating Calm in Difficult Times. He takes issue with the nutritionist’s adage, You are what you eat. Easwaran says, Your body is what you eat—you are what you think. He maintains that who we are is the sum total of our thoughts, feelings and experiences throughout our lives. Our thoughts shape our consciousness and ultimately our character.  Like many others, he urges us to be more particular not just about what we put in our mouths but about what we put in our heads. I couldn’t agree more. This is especially true with our exposure to mass media.

The nutritionist would have us ask before ingesting something, “Do I want this to become part of my body?”  Before engaging in any activity, be it watching a certain TV show, speaking, reading a long e-mail, worrying, taking a walk, gossiping, etc. Easwaran would have us ask, “Will this make me calmer, wiser, happier?”  I think it’s good advice.  Just asking the question gives us more control over our lives.

The other thing that struck me in reading his book was something we’ve all heard before—You are the company you keep. People affect us deeply.  It’s our responsibility to choose whom we spend our time with. There are many people in our lives whom we may love yet being around them drains us. We need to choose the company we keep because their consciousness and their thoughts will shape us as surely as our own. When we spend time with people (even in books) who inspire us, we become more like them.  We may even pick up the traits that we admire in them.

Like the body, the mind needs nourishment.  Whatever we think that makes us feel good about ourselves and others, makes us healthier and happier. Sometimes, just being very quiet and still (any form of meditation) is the best thing we can do for our minds and our life.

I wrote and recorded A NEW SONG about this idea a few days ago.  YOU CAN LISTEN TO A BIT OF IT BY CLICKING HERE. Hope you enjoy it.

Let me know what kinds of thoughts and experiences nourish your mind.

Thanks,

-Jim

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AUDIO VERSION

How could this be? Was Astaire making her dance better than she previously knew how? Could he have accomplished this had she flat out refused to respond? While he wasn’t actually causing these improvements, the important thing to note is that once the music starts, they are in a dance together. In the dance, he is smiling, confident, embracing her, leaning into her in a particular way. When two people are dancing, a change in one partner’s steps tends to lead to a corresponding change in the steps of the other. People are capable of changes due to the nature of the dance that they otherwise might never manifest.

In our relationships we are always in a dance with each other. We make a move and the person we are with makes a corresponding move and so on. It happens all the time. We do different dances with different people and usually pick up certain cues as to which steps are appropriate and welcome and which are not. Don’t you have some people in your life with whom you can joke around and others with whom you would never dream of such behavior? It’s not just because of their personality that you relate to them in this way. It’s because of the dance you are in with them.

I always thought my father had a rather gruff personality until I witnessed how he related to his first grandchild. I remember being shocked and gratified to see this warm, playful side of him and my perspective on him changed after that. He has since manifested traits in his dance with me that I previously didn’t think he possessed.

In a committed relationship, you can get into a particular dance where it becomes unlikely that you will ever see the generous, fun-loving or romantic side of your partner. You may conclude that your partner isn’t very giving, isn’t a fun person, or doesn’t care deeply about anything. However, that just may be because of the dance you’ve been in all this time. If you are willing to change the steps in the dance, you may see your partner from an entirely new perspective. They might show you something you never thought they were capable of.

Let me know what kind of dance you are in with the people in your life. I’d love to hear your comments about this or any of my previous blog posts.

Thanks,

-Jim

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AUDIO VERSION

He was pointing out that we were judging what he had put on the board to a particular objective standard and, finding it unable to meet that standard, had declared it imperfect. I didn’t realize the significance of his demonstration until many years later.

It hit me that his example was being played out with nearly all the couples I counseled.  Each person had an image, an idea of how a perfect mate was supposed to look and act. I imagine it came from observing their parents, other couples or from books and the media. They were measuring their partner against this standard and were finding him or her imperfect.

In  moments of candor, they admitted that they were also applying this image of perfection to themselves and were coming up short.  They could often hear a critical voice quick to point out  that they were not meeting their own standards.  No wonder they couldn’t be happy with themselves or with their partner.

Early in my marriage, I saw myself doing this to my wife, Lauren.  I had a standard for perfection in my head for a wife and she wasn’t meeting it.  This seemed to fuel my criticism of her and justified my pressuring her to conform to my ideal.

Then I thought back to when we were first together before we got married. I distinctly remember thinking to myself back then that she was, in fact, perfect.  I loved everything about her.  So, what happened? I wondered, Could she have changed all that much since back when we were dating? I was pretty sure she hadn’t.  Something had changed in me. I was judging her the way I never did before and I believe she was doing the same thing to me.  Compared to our standards of perfection we were both failing the test. I was determined to understand how this happened and how we could get back to where we once were with each other.  The result, as you may have guessed, was the development of my Powerful Partnerships^tm Program.

As I write this, we are three days away from our 27th anniversary.  When I tell her, in all seriousness, that I think she is prettier now than when we first met she shakes her head and looks at me as if I’m crazy. She doesn’t see what I see. I think the same holds true in reverse with respect to how she sees me.  I’ve come to understand that it is the experience of love and acceptance that makes things and people into perfect “what-ever-they-are’s.” It’s love that colors our perceptions and allows us to see beauty and value as absolute–not relative to some external standard.  It’s not that we lose our ability to make distinctions or comparisons, it’s just that when we are in the experience of love, we don’t focus on those things.  We don’t see our partner relative to someone else. They seem perfect the way they are.

Let me know what your experience has been with perfection. I’d love to hear your comments about this or any of my previous blog posts.

Thanks,

-Jim

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AUDIO VERSION

“We call things objects because when you try to move through them, they object!  They take up space and insist that you respect their boundaries.”  Anyone who has ever clunked his or her shin on the edge of a bed frame at night knows this.  That bed frame objects to your trying to move through it as if it wasn’t there and you would do well to respect its boundaries the next time you need to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Human beings have boundaries, too—physical and emotional ones. When we don’t object to boundary violations, we aren’t treated with respect. People cross our boundaries without considering us and pretty soon we feel hurt, offended and/or taken advantage of.  This happens in marriages every day.

It is for this reason that I have a general rule of thumb.  “Don’t be surprised if people abuse you to the extent that you let them.”  This is not an indictment of my fellow human beings as uncaring, selfish or cruel.  Many times people abuse you because they don’t register what they are doing to you as abuse—especially if you don’t object. Without realizing that they have crossed a boundary with you, they may have no way of knowing that their behavior is unwelcome or inappropriate.

I once had a client who I saw weekly at 10 AM.  I knew this person didn’t start work until 2 PM so sometimes when I needed to do a two hour session with a different client, I would ask my 10 o’clock person if she would mind switching to 11 or 9 AM that week.  Each time, she said, “Sure.  No problem.”  I thanked her for accommodating my request.  I remember admiring her and thinking.  “What a nice person she is, so flexible and easy going when others are so up-tight about their schedule.  She has really helped me out by being willing to switch times for me on short notice.”

One day as our session was about to begin she said, “You know, just because I don’t start my job until 2 PM doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to do all morning!  Do you ask other people to re-arrange their schedules or do you just ask me?”  I was shocked at her statement and her tone.  Up until that moment, I had no idea that she felt taken advantage of by my requests.  After getting over my embarrassment, I was very grateful for this feedback and told her so.  I never asked to switch times again and I remember feeling more respect for her because she had let me know where her boundaries were and that she objected to my crossing them.

Even though it is uncomfortable to object when something bothers us, it is vital that we do this so that we give people a chance to know who we are and where we stand.  By learning about each other’s boundaries, we come to know ourselves and our acquaintances better. We demonstrate our respect for others when we learn to navigate their coastline correctly. There is no intimacy without boundaries.

Let me know if you’ve ever let a boundary violation go unchallenged and what happened to that relationship as a result.  I’d be interested in hearing your comments about this or any of my previous blog posts.

Thanks,

-Jim

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AUDIO VERSION

I get this image of formerly productive citizens reduced to sitting at home in the middle of the day, watching the news on television with nothing to do but wait.  Meanwhile, the oil leak continues unabated, destroying much of the Gulf of Mexico and many people’s livelihoods.

What most psychologists know is that there is an inverse relationship between acting out and expressing ones feelings. Acting out is a term that is used to describe aggressive behavior—physical and verbal abuse, vandalism, reckless driving,  cruelty towards animals, etc. that takes place when people are unable to deal with their feelings.  Instead of noticing how they feel and expressing those uncomfortable feelings, they tend to act on them.

You may have heard of the expression “kick the cat.”  It refers to a chain of inappropriate behaviors exemplified by the following scenario: The boss is upset and frustrated about something. Perhaps he made a mistake and feels guilty about it. Instead of acknowledging this, he finds fault with a subordinate and chews this person out in front of her peers.  She comes home in a horrible mood and castigates her child for leaving his bicycle in the driveway.  The boy takes his hurt and anger out on his little brother by hitting him and the brother, having no one below him to blame or attack, kicks the cat.  All of these behaviors could be considered acting out.

We usually associate acting out with adolescents but it happens with adults all the time.  The increase in domestic violence in the Gulf is understandable but not acceptable.

The answer is to show people how to access their feelings (something many adults have forgotten) and to encourage them to do so.  A good way for this to happen is in facilitated groups in a culture of mutual support.  When people can talk about what it feels like to be in the situation they are in, their need to act on those feelings diminishes and they are restored to their higher selves.  If they can talk about the feelings that are underneath the anger (fear, anxiety, shame, helplessness, etc.) a good deal of the anger and the need to act out diminishes.

Accessing ones feelings is not just something that would help the people in the Gulf.  It helps every relationship and allows us to move through difficult times without damaging ourselves or the people we care about.  In committed relationships, allowing yourself to feel your feelings and talk about them opens a pathway to forgiveness and intimacy.

Let me know your experience with acting out.  I’d love to hear your comments.

Thanks,

-Jim

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