Having Your Cake and Eating It, Too

After working with hundreds of individuals and couples for over 20 years and observing my own relationship with my wife, Lauren, for 26 years, I am struck by a few things.  I’ve heard it said (and I now believe) that we do what we do, ultimately, because we think it will make us happy.  The pursuit of happiness is the engine behind much of our behavior.

There are two main things that all of us seem to crave.  We tend to become unhappy if we don’t achieve them.  First, we all want to feel connected to others.  It’s part of what it means to be human.  We may choose convoluted ways of showing it, but underneath all of our interacting is this heartfelt request for love and a desire to extend it.  That’s why we connect.

We have a second desire that is equally important to us.  That desire is freedom.  We love feeling independent and free to make our own choices.  Our country was founded on freedom and people risk their lives getting here to experience it.  There is a reason why little kids say this phrase a lot, “You’re not the boss of me!”  It’s because they don’t like someone telling them what to do, trying to control them or limit their freedom in any way. Adults say this, too, but not always as directly.

So how can we be happy and get our needs met in a committed relationship?  We get the connection that we desire but doesn’t the commitment itself limit us?  When you are married, you don’t have the freedom to do anything you want.  You have to consider how your words and actions will affect your partner.  To do otherwise would tear at the fabric of the relationship. Must we sacrifice one desire (freedom) to have the other (connection)?

Well, I have great news!  It is possible to have both a wonderful intimate connection and the sense of freedom within a committed relationship.  I know now that you don’t have to sacrifice one desire for the other.  I think achieving this balance is critical to creating happiness in marriage or any relationship.  I’ve figured out how to do it and  I want to share this discovery with the world.