Here We Go Again
In working with couples for many years and in examining the early dynamics of my own marriage, I was often amazed at our ability to repeat the same uncomfortable scenarios with each other. Often in the middle of a conversation where each one of us was holding firm to some position and the battle lines were beginning to being drawn, I would have the distinct feeling that I had been here before.
The content of the disagreement would be different but the dynamics were exactly the same. Each of us was using our favorite argument with evidence and witnesses (“I’m not the only one who feels this way!”) to back up our position. Each time we’d end up in the same stuck place more convinced of the rightness of our point of view and the “wrongness” of our partner’s.
Over time I saw a common thread to these conversations—they never felt good. Early on, it never dawned on me to check out how I was feeling during the wrestling match but as my consciousness grew, I developed a healthy distaste for continuing anything that doesn’t feel good.
It was that discovery more than anything else that led me to find other ways of relating to my wife and other places to focus my attention than on her faults and shortcomings. I found that the more I focused on the things that I liked about her, the less often we would find ourselves on opposites sides of the ring. In fact, the more I paid attention to those aspects of her that I appreciated, the more of them I saw and the more compassion I developed for her when she was unhappy.
“I want to feel good” has become a mantra of sorts for me. I see now that I have a lot more control over how I feel than I ever knew was possible. I can choose where to place my attention and can choose to shut down familiar scenarios that don’t lead to a good feeling place. And I do. I’ve found that a heightened awareness of what is really important leads to better choices in the brief time we have together on this planet.
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