If Only You Would Change

I remember a couple coming to my office many years ago for their first visit.  After they sat down, I asked them what result they wanted to produce from talking with me.  Before I could finish my sentence, the wife blurted out angrily, “I can tell you what’s wrong with this relationship right now—it’s him!”  She told me that I needed to get him to understand that he had to change his behavior in several key areas about which she was ready to elaborate.  I guess she assumed that I would add weight to her argument by agreeing with her.  She also hoped that by hearing it from me, a professional, her husband would make the necessary changes so she could be happy. I wish it were that simple.

While this woman’s remarks were pretty blatant, she is not alone in her belief that happiness depends on getting things and people around you to change to your liking.   Unfortunately, happiness is not achieved that way and neither is change.

Happiness is an internal phenomenon and not something that is created from outside events. It starts with an acceptance of what is, a willingness to have things be exactly the way they are.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t have preferences with regard to how we would like things to be.  But it does mean that we aren’t pushing against things and insisting that they be the way they are not.

Complaining about your partner and insisting that he or she be different before you can be happy is a good way to guarantee resistance, non-change and continued unhappiness.  Ironically, acceptance of your partner exactly the way he or she is allows them to change in the direction you would like—because they love you and would like to please you. I can’t think of two better reasons for a person to change than those.

If you really want to be happy, start by changing something in yourself.  Change your thinking.  Change your beliefs.  Change your perspective.  Examine your presuppositions.  Tell yourself a different story about your life.

Ask yourself this question, “Does my partner really have to change for me to be happy?” Sure, you might prefer it, but could you see a scenario where you could be happy despite them being the way they are?  Challenging that unexamined assumption is the first step toward real change and real happiness.  When you no longer need them to change for you to be happy, a lot of things could start changing around you that couldn’t possibly change before.