Lessons From a Broken TV
After 20 years of continuous service, the 26” color TV in our bedroom became toast about a month ago. There was no reviving it. Lauren and I had gotten into a familiar routine as I’m sure millions of other couples have—flipping on the TV while getting ready for bed, watching the assortment of late night hosts and finally getting sleepy enough to turn it off before retiring for the night. For decades, what I just described was America’s ritual when Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show on NBC. When the TV first broke, our intention was to buy a new larger flat screen HDTV for the bedroom but for some reason, we never got around to it. Now I doubt that we will.
AUDIO VERSION
What a blessing it has been to our relationship not to have a TV in our bedroom! At night, instead of zoning out into the tube, we get in bed and read for a while and then talk about our day. It’s a new ritual for us and I’m really enjoying it. I never realized how much watching TV together in bed created the façade of intimacy but really kept us from being present to each other.
Years ago I remember someone telling me that love manifests itself in physicality. Continually telling someone that you love them but never really being there with them doesn’t feel like love after a while. You actually have to show up and give them your undivided attention for them to know that you love them. What I’ve found recently is that there is great value in looking directly into a person’s eyes when you listen to them. I wasn’t doing this when the TV was on but I’m doing it now. I am enjoying Lauren more than I ever have before and feel closer to her because of these conversations we have had when nothing else is going on except us. I’ve heard it said that 80% of the information we receive from our senses comes through our eyes. Yet, today, we don’t often look at people when we communicate. Instead, we use our eyes to read an e-mail or a text often while we are multi-tasking.
As much as I believe in the power of words in forging bonds of intimacy or in driving people apart, I am more and more impressed with the dramatic effects of just being present to another person. I can see now why Lauren often asks if we can go for a walk together. She wants my undivided attention. She’s on to something.
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Jim, I agree with you! We do not have a tv or computer in our bedroom for that very reason. We enjoy the quiet time together. .
Thanks for your comment, Sarah.
It sounds like for you guys it worked well without a TV in your bedroom. My wife and I have a much different schedule so we never go to bed at the same time. I know that leads to a not so good relationship…which it is!
I don’t think the TV in the bedroom is necessarily a bad idea for everyone. I think it’s just important to spend some time being present to each other, hopefully doing something that each of you enjoy doing together.
Great post, Jim.
I had to fight tooth & nail for Pao & me to NOT have a tv in the bedroom for the first year we lived together. It was very nice while it lasted. I guess she got bored of me, so on her birthday last year I opted to give her a wall-mounted tv in the room. She LOVES her shows! However, we’ve limited ourselves to a few shows a week, trying to avoid falling into the typical 151-hr/ month watcher! (http://www.switched.com/2009/02/24/americans-watch-151-hours-of-tv-per-month-an-all-time-high/).
People make watching tv sooo important. Like, if they miss a moment, they’ll die! Sometimes, when I know a show will be on that I really want to watch, I will consciously miss it. This helps me to break that feeling of “need” for the tv.
Pao & I also find that we sleep much better when we get ready for bed by reading or talking as opposed to watching tv.
I’m STRONGLY for no TV in the bedroom. So many of us watch WAY too much TV and own too many television sets.
There is so much more to life (especially when accompanied by others (especially your significant other)) than mindless programming. I eliminated my TV from the bedroom about a year ago and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
In addition to the quality time it permits, I’ve seen many reports on the over stimulation on our senses at precisely the time we should be winding down AND doing/thinking something positive and/or relaxing. Another great post, Jim.
Thanks, Sarah. It is a wonderful thing to be present to each other. The nicest gift.
That’s great, Sarah. I don’t think we’ll ever go back to putting one in our bedroom for the same reasons. -Jim