4 Tips on When To Express Your Feelings…And When Not To.
I learned a long time ago that when people are upset, they often need to express themselves before they can get over what is bothering them. I saw this in my children and the children of my friends and I knew it was true from my own childhood. When I was hurt, I needed to tell somebody and let those feelings out. If I didn’t, it was hard for me to feel normal and happy again.
Even now, when our grown daughter is upset, she calls her mom and lets her know what is bothering her. I see this as a good thing and I watch how quickly she recovers from her upset feelings. I don’t think she feels better because of the good advice she gets from her mother, however. I believe she feels better because she gets to fully express herself in a safe environment. Her mom knows how to listen and empathize especially well and that let’s our daughter move through her feelings and sort things out for herself.
There is one situation, however, that requires a certain amount of restraint where full self expression would ordinarily feel great — it is when you are in the middle of an unresolved disagreement with your partner. Imagine that you and your partner are at odds over something and things have gotten heated. It happens to couples all the time. Before you have resolved things, you get a call from a good friend. Still upset, you privately relate how angry you are and have a few choice words about your partner’s major maladjustments. Then you hang up. In the next hour or so you and your partner make up or work things out and life gets back to normal.
The next time you see your friend, they ask warily, “How are you and your partner getting along?” They sound sincerely concerned. You have no idea what they are referring to. “We’re fine. Why?” You see, you worked out that disagreement days or weeks ago but they are still left with a snapshot of your relationship from the quick assessment you gave them on the phone. From that last conversation, they may believe that your relationship is in serious trouble when it actually isn’t.
For this reason, I always advise the following:
- If possible, refrain from unloading on a friend when you are in the middle of an argument with your partner.
- If you really can’t help but express your feelings to a friend, be sure to get back with that friend when you and your partner are back on the same team and let them know that everything is fine.
- Remember that it is pretty natural to talk disparagingly about someone when you are in the middle of a dispute with them but unless you restore that person’s image to your friend, you are setting the friend up to dislike your partner.
- Even if you are upset, try to cast your partner in the best light whenever possible –not an easy thing to do but important for the future of your relationship.
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Excellent tips, Jim (as usual).
Brilliant as always, Jim! It’s so easy to err on the side of expressing at the wrong time or shutting down and not expressing. Thanks for reminding us about when and when not to EXPRESS!
Thanks so much for your comment, Suzi.
Thanks for commenting on my blog post, Steve.
I agree. It is not only unfair to our partners, but unfair to burden friends or loved ones in situations such as those you speak of.
When I have played the role of “listener” too much, it absolves the person in the dispute from taking responsibilty. They feel better, getting it all out, and go back to the person they are having a problem with. I feel worse, worried about them, convinced their partner is a real jackass.
Better to go do a meditation before dumping it on a loved one, that way you can approach the problem from a higher level together if you still need that ear.
(Hola, Jim! We’re in Cleveland now).
Thank you for your wise observations, Michelle. Good to hear from you.